Humiliation for the child, contempt for the weak and where it goes from there
Posted by: Anshul on: January 25, 2012
Below is a beautiful example from Alice Miller that shows how humiliation and contempt play out in everyday life.
I was out for a walk and noticed a young couple a few steps ahead, both tall; they had a little boy with them, about two years old, who was running alongside and whining. (We are accustomed to seeing such situations from the adult point of view, but here I want to describe it as it was experienced by the child.) The two had just bought themselves ice-cream bars on sticks from the kiosk and were licking them with enjoyment. The little boy wanted one, too. His mother said affectionately, “Look, you can have a bite of mine, a whole one is too cold for you.” The child did not want just one bite but held out his hand for the whole ice, which his mother took out of his reach again. He cried in despair, and soon exactly the same thing was repeated with his father: “There you are, my pet,” said his father affectionately, “you can have a bite of mine.” “No, no,” cried the child and ran ahead again, trying to distract himself. Soon he came back again and gazed enviously and sadly up at the two grown-ups, who were enjoying their ice creams contentedly and at one. Time and again he held out his little hand for the whole ice-cream bar, but the adult hand with its treasure was withdrawn again.
The more the child cried, the more it amused his parents. It made them laugh a lot and they hoped to humor him along with their laughter, too: “Look, it isn’t so important, what a fuss you are making.” Once the child sat down on the ground and began to throw little stones over his shoulder in his mother’s direction, but then he suddenly got up again and looked around anxiously, making sure that his parents were still there. When his father had completely finished his ice cream, he gave the stick to the child and walked on. The little boy licked the bit of wood expectantly, looked at it, threw it away, wanted to pick it up again but did not do so, and a deep sob of loneliness and disappointment shook his small body. Then he trotted obediently after his parents.
- From “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller
It matters
Posted by: Barbara on: January 5, 2012
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The boy replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can’t make a difference!”After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf.
Then, smiling at the man, he said, “I made a difference for that one.”(adapted from The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley)
Hi everyone,
A friend recently questioned being involved in efforts to end genocide because, “you can’t end genocide.” As genocide continues, in a sense, one could say that statement appears to be accurate. Yet it is the starfish story that immediately came to mind. Read more »
We may not have ended genocide, healed trauma all across the globe, or achieved world peace… but that doesn’t mean our efforts have been in vain.
When you sign a postcard to stop the atrocities in places like Sudan, Congo, Burma…
When you read the news about the epidemic of global trauma and refuse to ignore it’s pervasiveness and devastation…
When you attend the Ubuntu Group and are able to be present and available to hear the struggles of a friend…
When you commit yourself to the inner process of healing your own life…
When you find the courage to forgive…
… it matters.
We know we can “make a difference for that one.” Together we must also hold hope that somehow, over time, within that which is unseen, it is the many that will benefit.
Wishing you a peace-filled, fulfilling 2012,
Barbara & Anshul
Living Ubuntu
http://livingubuntu.org
(949) 891-2005
[Ubuntu] n. A person is a person through other persons. “I am because we are”
Make a difference for that ‘one’
Posted by: Barbara on: January 3, 2012
Hi everyone,
A friend recently questioned being involved in efforts to end genocide because, “you can’t end genocide.” As genocide continues, in a sense, one could say that statement appears to be accurate. Yet it is the starfish story that immediately came to mind. Even within the regions where mass atrocities remain ongoing, time and time again, many lives have been saved by the efforts of a dedicated few who have continued to stay engaged over the long haul.
We crave instant gratification, but we will miss many opportunities to bring significant beneficial change to this world if we insist on it. History is filled with examples where “faith in the unseen” was the only source of encouragement as long-term commitment was required in order to bring about the desired result. There will be times we do not get to see the benefit of our actions even within our lifetime and that doesn’t mean our efforts have been wasted. As Ubuntu emphasizes humanity’s interconnectedness, our connection is also to those who lived before us, and to those who will be here after our death.
We are given many choices in this life. It is within the tiny moment to moment decisions we make that will cumulatively create the path we walk. These choices matter. The way we live our life matters. Seeking to do whatever it takes to keep an open heart, preserve sound judgment, pursue wisdom and increase our ability to be compassionate is a daunting challenge. This is the responsibility we share and will require that we support and encourage one another along the way. We will need to learn to be kind more often, forgiving of ourselves and one another as we inevitably fail time and time again.
We know we can “make a difference for that one.” Together we must also hold hope that somehow, over time, within that which is unseen, it is the many that will benefit.
Warmly,
Barbara English
Living Ubuntu
http://livingubuntu.org
Barbara English is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist and Certified Bioenergetic Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She is the Executive Director of Living Ubuntu, a non‐profit organization founded in response to her concern about the effects of mass trauma on populations around the globe. Much of her training has centered on Early Development, Infant Mental Health, and how to recover after abuse or trauma. She is a 2009 Carl Wilkens Fellow with Genocide Intervention Network.
What is “Ubuntu”?
Posted by: Anshul on: December 1, 2011
“I am because we are”
Ubuntu is a traditional African philosophy that recognizes how we are inextricably bound in each other’s humanity.
Here is a video from the Global Oneness Project that explains this beautiful concept that was at the heart of the Truth and Reconciliation hearings in South Africa after Apartheid.
Nelson Mandela explains Ubuntu
In the old days, a traveler through our country would stop at a village and he didn’t have to ask for food or water. Once he stops, the people give him food… that is one aspect of Ubuntu.
…
Ubuntu does not mean that people should not address themselves. The question is, are you going to do so to enable the community around you… to improve? These are the important things in life. And if one can do that we’ve got something very important which will be appreciated.
- Nelson Mandela
Ubuntu Group
In Southern California, we do a once-a-month free Ubuntu Group, a small group intended to provide a time to connect with one another in an authentic way about whatever is going on in life. For more information, please visit http://livingubuntu.org/events.
Ubuntu is very difficult to render into a Western language. When we want to give high praise to someone we say, “Yu u nobuntu”; “Hey, so-and-so has ubuntu.” Then you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly and caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say, “My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in what is yours.”… We say, “A person is a person through other persons.”
A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed… To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. What dehumanizes you inexorably dehumanizes me. [Forgiveness] gives people resilience, enabling them to survive and emerge still human despite all efforts to dehumanize them.
– Desmond Tutu
Are we peace-full?
Posted by: Barbara on: September 21, 2011
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
– Mother Teresa
Hi everyone,
Today, September 21st is the United Nations International Day of Peace. We want to extend a warm invitation to you to join us this Sunday, September 25th for Bands & Bellies VIII, a benefit concert for Living Ubuntu in honor of World Peace Day. It will be a lighthearted celebration of life, so come have fun with us. Kids are especially welcome :)
Bands & Bellies VIII, a benefit concert for Living Ubuntu in honor of World Peace Day is this Sunday, Sept 25th in Huntington Beach, CA.
In contrast to the fun and celebratory tone of Sunday’s concert, it is hard to miss the ironies of today’s headlines, i.e. on “Peace Day”. Iran has finally released the innocent hikers, President Obama proclaimed at the U.N. that “peace is hard work”, murder charges have been filed against Fullerton police for killing Kelly Thomas, and this evening, Troy Davis, deemed by many to be an innocent man, is scheduled for execution.
If Troy Davis is indeed put to death this evening, a part of our shared humanity will die with him.
We need to eliminate the death penalty, not human beings.
May we all be willing to do the soul-searching, and “hard work” required to bring peace.
Barbara & Anshul
Living Ubuntu
“I am because we are”
http://livingubuntu.org
(949) 891-2005
“The death penalty is the ultimate denial of human rights. It is the premeditated and cold-blooded killing of a human being by the state. This cruel, inhuman and degrading punishment is done in the name of justice. It violates the right to life as proclaimed in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Amnesty International opposes the death penalty in all cases without exception regardless of the nature of the crime, the characteristics of the offender, or the method used by the state to kill the prisoner.”
– Amnesty International
An epidemic of trauma and PTSD
Posted by: Barbara on: August 20, 2011
Hi everyone,
Earlier this month a report came out indicating, “at least 75 percent of children interviewed in internally displaced persons (IDP) camps in Darfur met the diagnostic criteria for post traumatic stress disorder and 38 percent had depression.”
Unfortunately, considering what they have gone through, and are still enduring, that statistic isn’t surprising.
Suffering from PTSD can be excruciating and incredibly debilitating. While treatable, it frequently doesn’t just “go away” on its own. Especially for children in critical phases of development, there is a question mark about how much can be recovered and made up for even in the most ideal of circumstances. Long-term displacement is of course anything but ideal.
We are not adequately addressing PTSD for refugees. Not by a long shot. Often we are not even addressing it for those that make it into the U.S. We in Living Ubuntu seek to change that.
Starting in 2012, we plan to launch a community-based Trauma Recovery Program for refugees, immigrants and victims of domestic violence in Orange County and San Diego. Our first year budget for this program is a little over $101,000. We need your support in order to launch this much-needed program.
We would like to invite you to attend our first fundraising effort, Bands and Bellies VIII: a concert to benefit Living Ubuntu in honor of World Peace Day. It will be held at Golden West College on Sunday, September 25. Tickets are $10 and available on our website. Unlike so many of our events that deal with painful, difficult topics, this concert will be a fun, lighthearted, life-affirming celebration. We very much hope you will join us.
Warmly,
Barbara & Anshul
Founders, Living Ubuntu
livingubuntu.org
(949) 891-2005
Bands & Bellies VIII
A concert to benefit Living Ubuntu in honor of World Peace Day
An evening filled with live music, belly dancers, food, drinks, community, camaraderie, contemplation & fun!
The International Peace Day (aka World Peace Day) occurs ever year on September 21. Come celebrate as we join together here in Orange County to commemorate this important day. All funds raised will benefit Living Ubuntu’s Trauma Recovery Program for refugees, immigrants and victims of domestic violence.
Sunday, September 25
5p – 7:30p
Student Center, Golden West College
Huntington Beach, CA
Over 20 performers including
Deep Stirrings, an OC folk-rock band
The Chanelling, alternative punk
Shafi Rajput, acoustic soft rock
Belly dance performances by
Sarah Al Nour, Perizad, Lulu Levona, Global Groove and more…
Activities include
face painting, henna body art, booths by local artists and vendors, vegetarian and vegan food
Tickets $10
We are expecting over 200 people at this event. Please make your (and our) lives easier by buying tickets in advance online.
If you have any financial hardship, please contact us. No one will be turned away for lack of funds.
For up-to-date information, visit the event website at http://livingubuntu.org/events
Any questions? Please contact us at info@livingubuntuorg or (949) 891-2005.
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
- Mother Teresa
What is Bioenergetics?
Posted by: Anshul on: July 28, 2011
Bioenergetics.
Integrating Mind, Body and Emotions.“It integrates a work with the body, with the patient’s interpersonal relationships, and with his mental processes; each of which is correlated and interpreted in terms of the others…. Bioenergetic Analysis starts with the reality of the body and its basic functions of motility and expression.”
– Alexander Lowen, Founder of Bioenergetics
Bioenergetics is a form of psychotherapy practiced by licensed psychotherapists with specialized training. It blends traditional therapeutic methods with body-centered techniques to help people resolve their emotional problems and enhance their well-being. Symptoms of unhappiness and stress, such as insomnia, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and decreased sexuality, often are the result of unmet developmental needs, blocked emotional expression and chronic muscular tension.
Bioenergetic therapy offers an integrated, effective, relational approach to address these common manifestations of early wounding, distress, and dysfunction. At the heart of Bioenergetics is a deep conviction that there is a mind-body correlation for many psychological problems. It makes use of the connection created in the therapeutic relationship to be the foundation that supports the process of healing. It often includes work with body contact, boundaries, grounding, and the understanding of muscular tensions as indications of somatic and psychological defenses against past trauma. The goal is more than the absence of symptoms – it is having aliveness, getting a taste of pleasure, joy, love – vibrant health.
Interview with Alexander Lowen, founder of Bioenergetics where he talks about the body-mind split
“When you have no words for your feelings, for what happened to you, for what is missing in you, we listen to the inner resonance – of your inchoate secrets – as it lives in your body. We help you to sense and amplify this inner resonance until its movement comes close enough to the surface of your being to enter your consciousness. But we also listen carefully to your words and are touched by them when they come from a depth of your being that no one can put a hand on. We invite you to surrender to the spirit of your body and the body of your spirit – and in so doing, to embrace your true self.”
- Robert Lewis, M.D
Trauma Release of a Polar Bear
Posted by: Anshul on: July 23, 2011
This is a good video that shows the trauma release process in a polar bear after it has been traumatized (by the people who’re taking the video).
The “shaking response” you see in the video is what is invoked during Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE). Click here to see David Berceli’s explanation of TRE.
In Orange County and San Diego, we do a free once-a-month Ubuntu Group where we start each session with these Trauma Releasing Exercises. For more information, please visit http://livingubuntu.org/events.
Why Trauma Recovery?
Posted by: Barbara on: July 22, 2011
Hi everyone,
Join us for a free Introduction to Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) this Sunday, July 31st.
When we started Living Ubuntu, we knew the pros and cons of our name. Yet, feeling that Ubuntu was a concept worth getting acquainted with, we were willing to deal with the public’s unfamiliarity with the word. Even when Ubuntu becomes more familiar, the next hurdle for us has been to effectively communicate how it relates to what we do, and hope to do in the future.
When I was studying Infant Mental Health several years ago, there were a couple of key concepts that jumped out at me in such a strong way, I couldn’t just try to metabolize them and move on. What I learned disturbed me in a deep and profound way.
First was reading a journal article written by Sheila Wang, entitled “Traumatic Stress and Attachment”. The concepts that stayed with me were, self-preservation vs. species-preservation. Post-Traumatic Stress keeps us stuck in a survival state focused on self-preservation and interrupts our ability to feel connected to others, embracing the common good (i.e. species-preservation).
The second realization was that infants can be born into stress hormone states resembling PTSD simply by being carried in the uterus of a woman with PTSD. As if that wasn’t enough, attachment studies reflect high risk for babies being raised by caregivers with PTSD. They are left more vulnerable to developing a host of emotional difficulties later in life, not limited to, but including, PTSD. You can see how the cycle continues…
So, if PTSD is trans-generational, increases risk of violent reactions, traps people in self-preservation states, and can be triggered by anything from natural disasters to violent incidences, can you understand how my inner sense of alarm and urgency escalated as I learned more and more about these things?
The word Ubuntu reflects the way we are human together. I am a person through other persons, and, what impacts you impacts me. In a sense, it is the healthy, non-traumatized state of being. It is the relational state we return to when trauma heals. I often think about what the world would be like if most people were living in this way.
We are currently in the planning stages for one of the ways we seek to interrupt this pervasive, commonplace, dangerous cycle of trauma. We want to bring trauma recovery into local communities, in easy-to-access ways. Our emphasis will be refugee and immigrant populations in Orange County and San Diego. We have a lot of work to do, and a lot of money to raise to be able to pull it off, but it is hard for us to see anything more worthy of our commitment and focus.
On Sunday July 31st, we will be offering a free mini-workshop, Introduction to Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE). TRE is a body-centered method created by David Berceli that has been used extensively for trauma recovery in numerous war-torn regions of the world. Please visit our blog for more information about this event.
Warmly,
Barbara English
Executive Director, Living Ubuntu
http://livingubuntu.org
(949) 891-2005
Living Ubuntu Fall Retreat (Sep 2011)
Posted by: Barbara on: July 16, 2011
- In: events | updates
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Lifting the mask. Living Ubuntu Fall Retreat (Sept 30 - Oct 2, 2011)
Hi everyone,
The next Living Ubuntu Fall Retreat will be from Friday, September 30 – Sunday, October 2. The theme for this retreat is Lifting The Mask: Freeing our genuine self held captive underneath the façade.
Have you noticed that our culture is a bit obsessed with image and status? Where is the authenticity? What is the price we are paying to go along with these ridiculous standards?
Many times I have seen the deep pain in people who no longer feel good enough just being who they are… or maybe they never did. Fearing they have failed in the competition to be attractive enough, rich enough, successful enough, popular enough, shame follows, and it can be unbearable.
Often we hide the truth about who we really are. Most of us learned early-on how to develop and wear whatever mask we needed to. To this day we still hide our feelings. We conceal our needs. We put a fake expression on. It shows up in acting like we like something when we don’t. It also shows up in becoming the expert performer when we just want to let down and “be”. It’s as if there is some external standard we are measured up against, and sometimes we don’t quite make it.
See pictures from our past retreats
We all need a good social or adaptive self to get by with in this world. Yet some of us have forgotten, or never learned, how to just be who we really are. Sometimes it feels terrifying to be that vulnerable and let others know the truth… to reveal our genuine self. Tormented by a lack of permission within, and the fear deep down that we are unworthy of love just the way we are, we stay hidden. Surrounded by the abundant expectations of others, we mask our true feelings, thoughts, and desires.
We pay a price in lost spontaneity and pleasure. Sometimes life becomes a heavy burden, or just dreadfully lifeless and routine. And ultimately, we lose out on deep meaningful connections with others, and love, because no one really knows the real us.
Some of the topics we will cover at this retreat include:
- The role of the body in masking and un-masking our genuine self.
- Self-expression and the vulnerability that comes with it.
- Recognizing inner messages that keep us stuck and what to do about them.
- Bringing healing into areas of deep pain and shame.
- Reaching out to others: resisting societal pressures and finding support for our genuine needs.
The small group experience of the retreat will combine psycho-educational aspects with body work, hiking and organic vegetarian meal preparation. It is intended to provide a time for letting down, exploring ourselves, and connecting with each other more deeply than our typical daily lives allow for. Below are all the details. Space is limited. Please let us know soon if you would like to join us.
Warmly,
Barbara English
Living Ubuntu
http://livingubuntu.org
Lifting The Mask
Freeing our genuine self held captive underneath the façade
The Living Ubuntu Fall Retreat will be in Lake Arrowbear, CA. Click to see more pictures of the cabin.
When:
Friday, September 30 – Sunday, October 2
Where:
At a cabin right on Lake Arrowbear, CA. Here are the cabin details.
Cost:
$150 per person. This includes meals (lunch and dinner) and room. If there is any financial hardship, please let us know and we can work with you on the cost.
Presenter:
Barbara English is a licensed Marriage Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience in the field. As a Certified Bioenergetic Therapist, she works from a mind-body perspective, and utilizes relational somatic methods as part of the process toward healing and a sense of wellbeing. Much of her training has focused on Early Development, Infant Mental Health, and healing after abuse or trauma. She is the co-founder and Executive Director of Living Ubuntu.
Like at our past retreats, we will:
- Arrive at the cabin by mid-day on Friday and leave for home on Sunday afternoon. We will arrange a carpool to drive up together (leaving Friday morning) as well.
- Lunch and dinner will be provided, as well as partial supplies for breakfast (on your own). Everything will be organic and vegetarian.
- The daily schedule will include multiple sessions of body work (e.g. grounding exercises, stretching, and TRE).
- Most bedrooms will be shared (i.e. with roommate).
- To create a safe, secure space, we are limiting attendance to no more than 9 people.
To register, please contact us at info@livingubuntu.org or call (949) 891-2005. Space is limited and 50% deposit is due by August 31st.
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